January 13, 2011

It's Written In The Stars

Something interesting happened in the last few days that could potentially bring science and religion into conflict again...but this time it's not conflicting with Christianity. Astronomer Parke Kunkle thought it was high time the astrology chart got updated. Kunkle at some point thought to himself that 3000 years or more has gone by since someone checked into this, and since the earth was not in the same orbit around the sun then as it is now things needed adjusting.

Turns out he was right the earth's orbit has altered enough in the last 3 millenniums that Astrology needed a new 13th sign, called Ophiuchus. I feel like this explains why no one was winning the lotto on all the horoscope lucky numbers. Once this 13th sign gets sorted out, watch out Lottery corp because your going to be giving out cash prizes hand over fist.

Actually what I find more interesting than the change of the zodiac calendar is that as far as I can tell there has been no Zen monk losing his or her cool over the proposed change. No wailing, no gnashing of teeth, no throwing fits at the godless astronomers for not respecting their holy texts. I mean Kunkle's effigy isn't even being burned anywhere!

Maybe the problem is the Eastern religions don't know how serious this is. I mean just a few years ago they demoted Pluto, now this! In that light I feel like I need to pass on a few tips to the Eastern Religions who clearly don't seem to know how the whole war between science and religion is supposed to go.

Stay Strong Original Zodiac, Stay Strong

First, you need to bust out with something about reveled truth verses 'man's' truth. If you have a 3 thousand year old astrological chart you need to start waving it around. If not before you know it their going to add a 14th zodiac sign. I mean we started with 7 days of creation, and look at us we're up to 14 billion years!

Second, now this one is important, assuming you have said chart you need to start insisting that every space agency in the world start to navigate with it. Seriously. If India or China wants to put up any more satellites (and you know they do) tell them they need to set their coordinates by your charts. If they protest go back to point one.

Third, everyone who disagrees with you is evil. Now I'll admit I'm a little shaky on how the whole Karma thing works but you need to step up the rhetoric. So say something like you are commanding your soul to a three life times as slugs if you use astrological charts published pre-1708 your calendar (1011 BC ours if Wikipedia is right).

Forth, now this is critical, your going to need to start boycotting things. Start small anything with a picture with an Astronaut, unless he is riding the Zodiac dragon would be a good start.

Fifth always remember THEY are the ones being unreasonable.

Sixth, finally I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but despite all your best efforts most of your society will continue on it's accursed path. You'll want to do two things about that. First set up your own separate yet parallel society. We like to use a lot of 'remnant' terminology. If you promise to use it right we'll share it with you. And second make sure from time to time you peak over your societies wall and yell at everyone, just so they know your there. Nothing to strenuous, hold a rally every now and then, or comment on websites a lot that disagree with you.

Also after all that if you still have time you should consider setting up and entirely separate school system, while at the same time lobbying theirs.

There you have it, the war between religion and science 101, so fight the good fight Eastern religions and don't take this lying down. Remember the scientists are out to get us, so we religions have to stick together.

One more thing Jesus who is the one true way to heaven loves you. And you should repent of all your sins and accept Jesus as the way the truth and the life. I mean come on karma, whats that?

1 comment:

  1. Correction, I found one angry North America Astrologer